10 12 26 Tortoises, Tantrums & Total Bullshit

🎙️ DAWACK IN DA MORNING

Monday, October 12, 2026

Episode Title: Tortoises, Tantrums & Total Bullshit

🎉 DAWACK HOLIDAY ROUNDUP

• 🇺🇸 Columbus Day / Indigenous Peoples’ Day — Half the country debates history; the other half checks whether the mail is coming.

• 🚜 National Farmers Day — Without farmers, we’d be eating lawn clippings.

• 🍲 National Gumbo Day — Throw everything in one pot and call it genius.

• 🐖 National Pulled Pork Day — Cook a pig until it falls apart faster than your retirement plan.

• 😱 International Moment of Frustration Scream Day — Finally, a holiday for calling customer service.

• 🍫 National M&M’s Day — They melt in your mouth—unless it’s July in Georgia.

• 🧠 Free Thought Day — Independent thought is apparently on backorder.

• 💰 National Savings Day — Check your bank account, cry, close the app.

• 🦴 World Arthritis Day — When getting out of bed sounds like crushing Doritos.

• 🇨🇦 Canadian Thanksgiving — Pass the turkey, eh!

🎂 CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

• Hugh Jackman — 58

• Kirk Cameron — 56

• Josh Hutcherson — 34

• Bode Miller — 49

• Tyler Blackburn — 40

• Luciano Pavarotti — Would’ve been 91

• Dick Gregory — Would’ve been 94

• Ralph Vaughan Williams — Would’ve been 154

DaWack Take: Hugh Jackman has played Wolverine so long, his adamantium skeleton probably qualifies for Medicare.

🪦 NOTABLE DEATHS — OCTOBER 12

• 1870: Robert E. Lee, Confederate general, 63

• 1940: Tom Mix, Western film star, 60

• 1969: Sonja Henie, Olympic skater, 57

• 1985: Ricky Wilson, B-52’s guitarist, 32

• 1997: John Denver, singer-songwriter, 53

• 1999: Wilt Chamberlain, basketball legend, 63

• 2002: Ray Conniff, bandleader, 85

DaWack Take: John Denver sang about mountains, sunshine and country roads. He died doing something he loved—flying.

📜 THIS DAY IN HISTORY

• 1492: Columbus’s expedition reaches the Caribbean, launching centuries of European colonization.

• 1810: Oktoberfest begins in Munich.

• 1915: British nurse Edith Cavell is executed by German forces during World War I.

• 1918: Minnesota forest fires kill hundreds.

• 1945: Combat medic Desmond Doss receives the Medal of Honor.

• 1960: Khrushchev’s famous UN shoe-banging incident.

• 1964: Voskhod 1 launches with the first multi-person space crew.

• 1986: The Reagan-Gorbachev summit ends without an agreement.

• 2000: The USS Cole bombing kills 17 American sailors.

• 2002: Bali terrorist bombings kill 202 people.

• 2007: Al Gore and the UN climate panel win the Nobel Peace Prize.

🎸 THIS DAY IN MUSIC

• 1944: Frank Sinatra triggers teenage hysteria at New York’s Paramount Theatre.

• 1957: Little Richard throws diamond rings into an Australian river.

• 1962: The Beatles open for Little Richard in England.

• 1969: The Paul McCartney death conspiracy takes off.

• 1971: Jesus Christ Superstar opens on Broadway.

• 1974: Blondie performs at CBGB under its new name.

• 1975: Rod Stewart and the Faces play their final concert together.

• 1978: Sid Vicious is arrested after Nancy Spungen’s death.

• 1988: Poison releases “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.”

• 1991: Nirvana’s Nevermind goes gold.

• 1997: John Denver dies in a plane crash.

• 2005: Tommy Lee suffers burns during a Mötley Crüe concert.

DaWack Take: Little Richard threw diamonds into a river. Today, somebody would launch a GoFundMe for scuba divers.

STANDARD TIME PROCEDURE

Researchers say permanent standard time may be healthier than year-round daylight saving time. Morning sunlight helps regulate sleep, while winter sunrises could arrive after 8:30 a.m.

DaWack Take: Nothing says “good morning” like scraping ice off your windshield in the dark.

SMART FOOTWEAR

Scientists created battery-free smart sneakers powered by your footsteps. They track activity with about 95% accuracy.

DaWack Take: My shoes are generating electricity while I’m generating excuses.

SPICY FOOD, SMALLER PORTIONS

A Penn State study found spicy meals slowed eating and reduced food intake by 11–18%.

DaWack Take: Apparently, weight loss requires setting your mouth on fire.

😂 FUNNIEST TWEETS FROM WOMEN

• “I don’t know how many versions of the same password I’ve got left in me.”

• “I do an insane amount of laundry for someone who wears the same four things.”

• “Someone asked my favorite bird, and I panicked: rotisserie chicken.”

• “Doctor’s offices: arrive 15 minutes early so the doctor can see you 45 minutes late.”

• “After finishing one task, I could become unstoppable—or look at my phone.”

WACK FACTS

• Seashells amplify surrounding noise—not the actual ocean.

• Ocean water can take more than 1,000 years to circulate globally.

• Your circulatory system stretches roughly 60,000 miles.

• Brunch was proposed in 1895 as a hangover-friendly meal.

• The first Charmin commercial was filmed in Flushing, New York.

📺 REJECTED REALITY TV SHOWS

• Happy Couples Caught on Tape

• Sequestered With Kanye

• This Old Mobile House

• Survivor: Rikers Island

• Who Wants to Get a Vasectomy?

• The All You Can Eat Buffet Family Challenge

Random Joke: It’s not the minutes at the table that add weight. It’s the seconds.

Deep Thought: There’s no better excess than gratitude.

📰 STUPID NEWS — THE WORLD HAS LOST ITS DAMN MIND

🛋️ Couch Cruising in Charlotte

Two men were spotted riding a couch balanced across electric scooters.

DaWack Take: That’s when your car insurance quietly leaves the chat.

🏫 Fake Substitute Teacher From Hell

A Wisconsin woman allegedly impersonated a teacher, insulted students and asked for weed.

DaWack Take: Somebody needs permanent detention.

🐢 Tortoise Traffic Jam

Scientists found roughly 180,000 giant tortoises on a Seychelles island.

DaWack Take: More slow traffic than I-285 on a Friday.

🦈 Sharks Predicting Hurricanes

Scientists are studying sharks to better understand hurricane intensity.

DaWack Take: Coming soon: the Shark Weather Channel, with your forecast from a great white.

🦜 Noah’s Ark Gets Pulled Over

Authorities found 300 tortoises and 77 parrots in a vehicle at a Sicilian port.

DaWack Take: More passengers than a Southwest flight—and twice the squawking.

🤖 Robot Runway Models

A Bangkok fashion show featured a humanoid robot and a robotic dog.

DaWack Take: Even the dog has to be plugged in.

🦝 Rabid Raccoon in Los Angeles

Los Angeles reports its first rabid raccoon in more than 50 years.

DaWack Take: Even the raccoons are fleeing California’s cost of living.

🪦 Tombstone in the Wall

A stolen Little Bighorn tombstone turned up hidden inside a wall.

DaWack Take: Forget the contractor. Call an exorcist.

🔮 DAWACK’S MONDAY HORRIBLESCOPES

October 12–18, 2026

Disclaimer: For entertainment only. The stars accept no responsibility for your stupidity.

♈ Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19)

Your confidence is impressive for someone so full of shit. Try listening. Your coworkers are taking bets.

♉ Taurus (Apr 20–May 20)

You’re stubborn, lazy and convinced everyone else is the problem. The stars suggest growth. You suggest they screw themselves.

♊ Gemini (May 21–Jun 20)

Your two personalities are fighting again, and both are losing. Consult your remaining brain cell.

♋ Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22)

Stop inventing emotional problems. Not every unanswered text is an attack. Sometimes people just don’t like you.

♌ Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22)

You’re not the main character. You’re the loud asshole ruining everyone else’s scene. Try silence for 24 hours.

♍ Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22)

Your socks are organized, your spices alphabetized and your breakdown scheduled. You’re the zodiac’s most efficient pain in the ass.

♎ Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22)

You’ll spend 45 minutes choosing a restaurant, then order chicken fingers. The universe is embarrassed.

♏ Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21)

You suspect everyone because you’re shady yourself. Accept a compliment without opening a criminal investigation.

♐ Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21)

Your mouth writes checks your intelligence can’t cash. Your sarcasm will backfire, and you’ll blame everyone else.

♑ Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19)

You work hard, complain constantly and have the personality of a parking meter. Your boss recommends a permanent vacation.

♒ Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18)

You think you’re mysterious and brilliant. Everyone else thinks you’re exhausting. Try one conversation without a conspiracy theory.

♓ Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20)

You live in a fantasy where everyone appreciates your sensitivity. Reality wants its security deposit back.

The stars may guide your destiny, but they can’t fix stupid. That’s a full-time job with no benefits.

🎙️ DaWack in da Morning

Always wacky, never tacky!

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